Ten Things That Never Happened To Hermione
by tea and frangipani
Summary: Series of one shots. Crossovers with Highlander, Pride and Prejudice, House, Buffy, Gossip Girl, and more!


**A/N: This is a series of one shot crossovers.

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Never Believed in Santa Claus  
_Harry Potter/The Polar Express_

Magic has explained so much Hermione doesn't remember to ask until her third year.

"I suppose Santa Claus is a wizard, then?"

Ron's condescending expression is answer enough.

But how could she explain that before she ever rode on the Hogwarts Express, she took a trip on an even more magical train? That night she dreams of the rhythmic clacking of railroad track, the spray of fresh snow against her face, and white letters on iron: POLAR EXPRESS. She had harboured an irrational fear that Santa Claus was the only piece of magic left for the Muggles, and that it wasn't for the wizards, but that year saw her unwrap a tin of hot chocolate, the kind wizards can't spell into existence, the kind only cold nights and warm pyjamas and childhood memories can create. Hermione had always been logical, but common sense flew out of her mind every Christmas-time.

* * *

Never Became Immortal  
_Harry Potter/Highlander_

Ginny opened her eyes, groaning. "What happened... We were fighting Death Eaters. Then Malfoy Senior…" Ginny frowned. "He cast the Killing Curse on me! But – that's impossible! It must've been a different curse, there's no way I could've survived -"

"No, you're right. It was the Killing Curse." Hermione interrupted. "And you survived it."

Ginny's mind stopped working. "But…how?" She spluttered.

Hermione smiled. "You're Immortal, like me. When we die, we simply…come back to life."

Ginny stared at Hermione in shock. "So…I can't die, ever?"

"Not quite." Hermione pulled out a sword. "In the end, there can only be one."

* * *

Never Visited Narnia  
_Harry Potter/Narnia_

Susan Pevensie-Granger had raised her daughter on stories of Narnia, so it seemed a cruel twist of fate when Hermione grew up to be as coldly practical as her mother had been. Susan despaired of Hermione's lack of imagination, until they received the letter from Hogwarts.

But to Hermione, Narnia was still just a story. Until she got stuck in the Vanishing Cabinet in the Room of Requirements and stumbled out into a forest clearing filled with dappled sunlight and the smell of pine.

"Welcome, Daughter of Eve," came the deep rumble of the majestic lion in front of her.

* * *

Never Had To Run The Labyrinth  
_Harry Potter/The Labyrinth_

Harry was stomping around again, muttering darkly about the deception and treachery of all goblins. He had been ranting along the same lines for days now, and Hermione had just about had enough of his paranoid ramblings about the Gringotts goblins.

"Can't trust them…those goblins…trying to take our sword away…"

"_Oh, _I wish the bloody goblins would take _you_ away right now," she grumbled, as she sent him irritated glares over the heavy book clutched in her hands.

Usually it was Harry who found trouble, and dragged everyone else in it. However, this time Hermione had been the one to stare in shock as the King of Goblins appeared in their tent and dragged a startled Harry away, telling her, "You have thirteen hours."

That meant she found herself running through the Labyrinth, all the while complaining under her breath, "Can't the bloody Boy-Who-Lived save _himself_ for once!"

* * *

Never Fought Off A Vampire With A Cross  
_Harry Potter/Buffy The Vampire Slayer_

It had been a surprise attack – Ron's wand immediately snapped, Harry's dropped onto the pavement and rolled out beyond his reach - and all he could see of Hermione was the curve of her pale neck as the vampire's fangs glinted in the moonlight.

"Hermione!" he shouted, but the vampire in front of him growled and lunged towards him. Ron was struggling to overcome a female vampire, but they were too strong and their wands useless.

Suddenly Harry heard an awful keening, followed by wisps of smoke. A vampire barrelled past him, clutching his burning face. Harry didn't waste any time – he grabbed a broken fragment of Ron's wand and stabbed it through the heart of the vampire, who disappeared in a cloud of dust. They chased off the rest, and then Harry turned to Hermione for an explanation.

"My grandmother's cross," she offered with a watery smile, tugging the silver chain from her blouse. "Blessed by the pope himself."

* * *

Never Sought Treatment For A Magical Injury From An American Doctor  
_Harry Potter/House, MD_

"And I'm telling you, you're not going to figure out the cause of my illness," the British girl with unfortunate hair proclaimed stubbornly. House was amazed. He could almost _see_ the static electricity crackling in her frizzy curls.

"Right, so a wound that just won't heal," he pointed to the angry red welt slashing across her chest, "Reoccurring symptoms of petechia," he indicated the red and purple spots scattered across her body, "And a completely annoying sentiment of impending doom."

"You _need_ to let me go, or people are going to die!" she hissed, turning a spectacular shade of scarlet.

House smirked as he limped away on his cane. "Tell the Grangers I'll take on their case," he threw over his shoulder to Cuddy. This was going to be interesting.

* * *

Never Got Written About On Gossip Girl  
_Harry Potter/Gossip Girl_

_Spotted!_

_Posted October 10__th__ 4:51 pm_

_**S **__and __**D **__trying to hide in a hipster coffee shop deep in Brooklyn. Trouble in paradise already? They aren't due for another "break-up" until exams. __**Little J **__window-shopping on Fifth Avenue… looking for some inspiration little miss wannabe fashion designer? __**N **__getting hot and sweaty during lacrosse tryouts (be still my heart!!)… and was that __**V **__we spied cheering on the sidelines? Down at Constance Billard, __**B **__was showing around the new transfer student from England. With hair like that, how does the new girl __**H **__already have an in with the in crowd? We're betting on family relations and a dark past. After all, that's how we live on the Upper East Side…_

_You know you love me. XOXO, gossip girl_

* * *

Never Travelled Back In Time To The Nineteenth-Century  
_Harry Potter/Pride and Prejudice_

Lydia's visit to Pemberley was quickly becoming intolerable to Elizabeth and Darcy; this fact compelled the couple to call upon the Gardiners in the city, hoping Lydia would cut her stay short. Yet Lydia acquiesced to the suggestion readily, crying 'Oh! I long to hear the news, and I daresay our aunt will share some.'

The Gardiners received them gladly, and their aunt delighted upon telling them of the news around Derbyshire. "Stockport House has finally been let, to a young couple violently in love. The husband must have some large fortune; his wife took one look at the estate and decided she wanted it immediately, and he agreed!"

This intrigued Elizabeth, for while Stockport House was not quite Pemberley, it was still a beautiful estate.

"Here they enter now," her aunt added, as the inn doors opened. A tall man, not older than five-and-twenty, with dark hair and green eyes, who looked uncomfortable in his double-breasted waistcoat as he was offering his arm to the woman beside him. The wife wore a silk bonnet over tight curls, along with a gown of white muslin; she seemed to lead her reluctant husband.

"They do not seem to be the picture of a couple violently in love," observed Darcy. "Though it cannot be judged until we have examined them personally."

"Oh, do introduce us, aunt," begged Lydia. Her pleas prevailed and the Gardiners went over to the couple so the trio could make their acquaintance.

The man was introduced as Harry Potter, he bowed shortly but did not care to speak much; his countenance was very quiet and serious. His wife was named Hermione, and her lively expression betrayed the fact that she talked enough for the two of them. However, her words weren't the idle fancies of Lydia or the embarrassing ramblings of Mrs. Bennet; she spoke with a quick wit and spirited disposition Elizabeth could not help but be drawn to. It was quick work to extend an invitation to the couple to visit them at Pemberley.

Later, Darcy remarked, "It is easy to believe Mrs. Potter violently in love, for her expressions betray her. Mr. Potter does not seem to share her sentiments, and I cannot imagine such a serious man in love."

"Nobody believed _we_ were in love, if you can recall," reproached Elizabeth with a smile. "Potter reminds me of you during that tumultuous time when we were in love and yet separated."

"Then his wife reminds me of _you_, though she does not possess half your liveliness of mind."

* * *

Never Been A Corpse  
_Harry Potter/CSI: Miami_

"Oh honey, you're a long way from home." Alexx Woods, the coroner for the Miami-Dade crime lab, sighed as she pulled the sheet over the girl's cold body.

"What have you got for me, Alexx?" Horatio asked.

"She was shot point blank. I recovered three bullets from her brain." Alexx gazed upon the corpse, whose lips were blue and brown curls hung limp.

"Any idea as to her identity?"

"She looks like another university student, visiting Miami during spring break." Alexx nodded towards the counter. "Her personal effects are there – no I.D., but it's not what we lack but what we have that confuses me."

Horatio furrowed his brow. "It looks like an elaborate dowel – or a pointer stick of some sort. But why would she bring a pointer stick to the beach?"

"I guess we'll never know. Another anonymous murder to add to our database. Lord, if only the dead could talk…"

Horatio stared in the distance, as he slid on his sunglasses. "But evidence can. Get Calleigh those bullets, she'll be able to find out what fired them."

* * *

Never Became A (Wo)Man In Black  
_Harry Potter/Men in Black_

"Who's the new chick?" Agent J wolf-whistled as he caught sight of a woman weaving through the crowd of aliens.

Agent K sighed. "Agent H. She'll be coming along for a few missions for training."

Despite wearing a black pencil skirt suit and high heels, the brunette made her way quickly towards the two men. "Agent K," she greeted in a British accent. "And you must be Agent J."

"Here is your neuralyzer. I assume you are trained in its use?" K handed her one, ignoring J's cry, "How come she gets one on her first day! I didn't!"

Agent H smirked and tucked a curl behind her ear. "I don't need one. I've got my own special brand of magic." She pulled out her wand. "I can assure you, I'm quite proficient in the use of memory modification charms."


End file.
